A One-Act Baseball Play Inspired by True Events

I gotta say, it’s a good time to be a baseball fan. The World Baseball Classic is in full swing and it’s producing some of the most wonderful and joyous moments a person can ask for. In the words of living legend Sarah Langs, baseball truly is the best.

Unless, of course, you’re the United States. Then it’s pretty shameful.

Inspired by the unbelievably unqualified Mark DeRosa — who almost succeeded in throwing away Team USA’s chances before group play was over — I wrote a short little play. This play imagines what it was like in the locker room the day before DeRosa fielded his B-team because he assumed the USA was already through to the next round. Please enjoy.

FADE IN:

EXT. DAIKIN PARK, HOUSTON, TX — MARCH 10, 2026 — DAY

We hover over Daikin Park, watching as the grounds crew goes about the business of getting the field ready for baseball. For now, it’s a placid scene, but the magnitude of tonight’s game — like our view of the stadium — looms large.

CUT TO:

A close-up of the outfield scoreboard reads:

TEAM ITALY VS TEAM USA
FIRST PITCH 8:06 P.M.

INT. DAIKIN PARK — HOME TEAM LOCKER ROOM — DAY

Team USA has gathered in their locker room at the request of their manager, MARK DeROSA. He stands near a WHITEBOARD, dry erase pen in hand. Gathered around are bench coach MICHAEL YOUNG and Team USA players BRYCE HARPER, AARON JUDGE, NOLAN McLEAN and RYAN YARBROUGH. DeRosa has just finished furiously scribbling on the whiteboard.

DeROSA
So that’s what we’ve got so far. Any questions?

JUDGE
Do we HAVE to do this? Seems kinda mean.

DeROSA
Aaron, for the last time, trash talk is part of the
game. How are those guidos supposed to know
we mean business if we aren’t talking shit?

We zoom in on the whiteboard. DeRosa has written several ethnic slurs for Italians, many of which are underlined. He’s also taped printed-out pictures of the finger purse gesture, Benito Mussolini, and, for some reason, the Eiffel Tower. It’s unclear whether or not he knows it’s not an Italian landmark.

DeROSA (CONT’D)
Besides, we’ve already punched our ticket to the
next round. Let’s have some fun! Now, who wants
to give me an example of a real zinger we can
throw their way? Don’t be shy. The more fucked
up the better and bonus points for creativity.

JUDGE
How about “Hey, why are you guys playing
baseball when you should be making incredible
automobiles and delicious food?”

DeROSA
Come on, man. You play in the Bronx. This
can’t be the best you’ve got.

HARPER
How about “I wouldn’t dig in too hard, that’s
how people end up in a ditch?”

DeROSA
Jesus, are you still mad about that? It was
a joke! We were just palling around.

YOUNG
I want to go back a second. Did you just say
we’ve punched our ticket to the next round?

DeROSA
Hell yeah we have! Which is why I’m glad you’re
all here. Nolan, I’ve got you on the bump tonight.

McLEAN
Uh … you do?

DeROSA
Of course, big dawg! Ryan, stay ready, you’re my first
man up in the bullpen, alright?

JUDGE
Alright! Cowboy Ohtani, make it happen!

McLEAN
Thanks, A.J., but uh … Skip, why me? You know
Logan Webb’s like, right over there, right?

YARBROUGH
And Mason Miller.

DeROSA
Oh shit, really? Haha, that’s crazy. This team
is so fucking good.

HARPER
Did you seriously not know that?

DeROSA
Shut the fuck up, Bryce. Not everyone knows
everything, nerd.

YOUNG
I feel like I should remind everyone that we haven’t
actually qualified for the knockout rounds, either.

DeROSA
God, you guys are so pessimistic. Doesn’t playing
for the troops mean anything to you?

YARBROUGH
Uhh …

McLEAN
I mean …

HARPER
Oh for the — you’re the one who decided we were
doing that, not us!

DeROSA
Come on! Cal’s on board. Right, Dumper?

Across the locker room, CAL RALEIGH, clad in a “FRONT TOWARD ENEMY” t-shirt, sits with fellow catcher WILL SMITH at a small table. Will Smith reads a book; Cal Raleigh is playing Nintendo Switch 2.

RALEIGH
Huh? You threw this t-shirt at me and said
I had to wear it or I was off the team.

DeROSA
That was a test of your catching skills to keep
you sharp. And by the way, you’re welcome.

RALEIGH
Whatever.

Cal shakes his head and resumes playing Pokémon Pokopia.

YOUNG
It’s not negative, DeRo, we haven’t actually clinched
anything. If the Italians win tonight —

DeROSA
(with terrible faux-Italian accent)
Ey, that’s a spicy meat-a-ball!

HARPER
Here we go.

YOUNG
— If they win tonight, we can still be eliminated based
on what happens when they play Mexico.

DeROSA
(with terrible faux-Italian accent)
Fuhgedaboutit! I’m-a gonna make those fugazi guys
an offer they can’t refuse!

HARPER
You have to stop doing this with other team’s cultures.
The Brazilians were ready to kick your ass the other day.

DeROSA
And I’m about ready to kick yours! You know what? You’re
benched tonight. Goldy’s on first.

YOUNG
Mark, this is nuts. We can’t just rest our guys for a
game that still matters!

DeROSA
(with terrible faux-Italian accent)
Watch-a me! I’m the Don here!

EXT. DAIKIN PARK, HOUSTON, TX — TOP OF THE 6TH INNING

Italy’s Sam Antonacci scores on a wild pitch by USA pitcher Brad Keller, his second costly error of the inning. The score is now 8-0 Italy.

In the dugout, HARPER and DeROSA stand next to each other. Harper is staring daggers at DeRosa.

DeROSA
… Mamma —

HARPER
I swear to Christ, if you finish that sentence, I’m
going to burn your house down.

Harper walks away disgustedly.

DeROSA
(with sad faux-Italian accent)
Now that’s a spicy meat-a ball.

FADE OUT.