During Super Bowl LX (or 60 if your school never made you learn Roman numerals), the Pokémon Company dropped a 60-second spot in honor of their 30th anniversary celebration, aka Pokémon 30. You may have seen it by now, but if not, I gotchu:

That’s Lady Gaga and Trevor Noah, among others, talking about what makes their favorite Pokémon (Jigglypuff and Psyduck, respectively) their favorite. Now, do I believe everyone’s being honest? That Lamine Yamal’s favorite Pokémon is Zygarde? Well, he was born in 2007 and Zygarde was introduced in 2013, so Yamal would have been six years old … I’d say that tracks. I was older than that when Pokémon Red and Blue came out, but if you’d asked me to pick my favorite in middle school I’d probably have said Mewtwo. I get the sense everyone’s being honest here.

The “call to action,” such that it is, is to tell the world your favorite Pokémon. It’s a great campaign and a cool idea. There’s just one tiny problem for people like me:

Which one’s actually my favorite?

Sure, I have favorite(s). Plural. Tons of them. I personally think it’s bullshit that your party can only be six at a time when I’d rather it be, like, 45. But those aren’t the rules. Six open spots for six Pokémon. One team that gives you the best chance to win in battle. (Or at least that’s how I’ve always played it. I get why trainers and gym leaders in the game specialize in a given type, but that’s why it’s so easy to beat them.)

So today, I’m going to channel the All-NBA process and create three ranked teams of six and outline why they made the cut. From there, I should be able to determine which one is my True Ultimate Favorite. I mean, there’s only a thousand of these guys to pick from. Should be easy, right? Right?! Let’s find out together!

BTW: I’ll be trawling through pokemondb.com to refresh my memory and for all pictures, so please consider this a generic caption slash credit. Ken Sugimori, you are the Alexander Hamilton of designing Pokémon because you, sir, are non-stop.

First Team All-Pokémon

Alakazam

Let me start by saying this is already an impossible task. I intended to start this article with one team of six and I had to limit myself to three teams. That said, this first spot was as easy as it gets.

Alakazam rules. I defy you to find anyone who disagrees. His body looks like armor, his mustache makes him look like Rollie Fingers, and he wields spoons not as a weapon but as a reminder that he’s perfectly capable of fucking you up just like a psychic bends a spoon. He was the most valuable part of my team in Blue; he tops most Gen 1 tier lists because the only hoop you have to jump through to get him is to trade a Kadabra. Even when you have access to Mewtwo, there’s still room for Alakazam on most teams. Everything about Alakazam is the best.

Ampharos

Maybe I just like yellow guys.

Ampharos has possibly the best cute —> cool evolution line of any Pokémon. Mareep is just the cuddliest little lightning sheep with its little ear cones, but the fact it eventually becomes this? With awesome red gems on its tail and forehead? And also it’s bipedal and has flipper arms? No, it doesn’t really make sense that Ampharos evolved from a sheep, but his design is brilliant and everyone needs a good lightning type.

Scizor

Is Scizor all that good? Probably not. IMO, Bug types easily have the greatest — or worst, I guess — ratio of Coolness to Power. Nothing hits quite like throwing a Level 25 Scizor out against a Level 17 Growlithe and getting one-shot by any fire move.

Still, though: Look at this guy. Look at those dope claws, that awesome armor, the cool wings and shoulders and pointy head pieces. Scizor is basically Red Alakazam, now that I think about it. Looks like I’ve got a type.

Empoleon

A Piplup named Crosby was my Gen 4 starter and believe me when I say: Crosby and I cleaned house. Being able to learn water, ice, flying and steel-type moves is a lot of coverage from one Pokémon. Being able to do all of that while looking like a sharp-dressed version — literally and figuratively — of one of nature’s cutest creatures is even better. It might be hard to give him a hug or a high five, but you’re welcome on my team any time, Empoleon.

Zamazenta

I tried to make this list such that I excluded legendaries, pseudo-legendaries, and mythical mons. It’s kind of a cheat to just pick the strongest ones and call it a day. Worse yet, it’d be boring.

All of that said: It’s Shielddog! It’s a shield and it’s also a dog!

No, that isn’t its real name, but look at it. A shield and a (mostly normal) dog. Zamazenta is great and I grew up with dogs, so taking care of it wouldn’t be too hard. It also sort of inherently serves the protective role that dogs are known for. Mostly, though, how could you not want to just pet him behind the ears and tell him what a good boy he is?!

Armarouge

Oh yeah. I have a type.

Apparently, most of my favorite Pokémon are ones that look like Mega Man characters. Or, in the case of Armarouge, a little like Samus. But you know what? I don’t even care. Look at how cool this thing is! Charcadet being able to turn into this OR Ceruledge (who may or may not be on a subsequent list) is just brilliant.

There also aren’t too many Fire/Psychic hybrids out there. I guess what I’m saying is give me anything that looks like a robot and I’ll give you a dope team.

Second Team All-Pokémon

• Bidoof: Just the cutest, dopiest, goldenest God of all Pokémon. Bidoof is a meme. It’s an HM utility knife. It’s perfect.

• Beedrill: Like Scizor, pretty weak for team composition … but you’ll never get me to say no to giant drill hands.

• Quaxly: Just the cuntiest little duck there ever was:

  

  I mean, the sass of it. The fucking gall. Quaxly is my hero.

• Genesect: A bug? With a giant cannon on its back and glowing red eyes? It’s more mech than Pokémon and I am here for it.

• Zeraora: Head to jungle. Rotate to Dreadnaw. Look awesome all the while.

• Ceruledge: The only thing keeping Ceruledge down here instead of on the First Team is that I only had six spots and I like Armarouge’s armor better.

Third Team All-Pokémon

• Iron Valiant: Another mech-like Pokémon, but this time it’s actually a robot. And it has a cool spear!
• Corviknight: Truly one of the most inspired bird evolution lines in the game. I used Corviknight for virtually all of Shield.
• Clawitzer: I love it when a Pokémon design is based on real life. In this case, Clawitzer is just an exaggerated version of a pistol shrimp. It boggles my mind that that’s a real thing but somehow it is!
• Galarian Obstagoon: I mean, this is like if you asked AI to make a Pokémon that was also a member of KISS. And I gotta say: mission accomplished.
• Vanilluxe: I love ice cream. It’s truly the best dessert. Main weakness here would be that Alakazam comes complete with spoons, so I can’t put Vanilluxe any higher than third team.
• Vespiquen: A second bee Pokémon is not what I pictured when I started this exercise, but hexagons are nature’s most perfect shape. Therefore, Vespiquen having a hexagonal body makes it nature’s most perfect Pokémon. It’s just science.

So which of these fine creatures is ultimately my favorite? My true, ride-or-die, if you had to pick one and only one to bring to life which would it be?

It’s Alakazam. It always had to be, I think. That Gen 1 nostalgia really gives it the edge here. Plus it could like, get me a sparkling water without either of us getting up. The possibilities are endless. Happy Pokémon 30, everybody!