If Storms Are So Dangerous, Stop Making Their Names Awesome

If you live in the United States, you’ve been feeling the impacts of winter weather lately. Depending on where you live specifically, you’ve been somewhere between “inundated with” and “destroyed by” snow, ice, hail, sleet, slush, snice, shail, sleesh, slice, snowsh, or God forbid some sort of even lazier mashup.

Extreme weather can, of course, be dangerous. Deadly, even. It’s probably safe to say that most people aren’t anywhere near as prepared as they should be. Is this because of a psychological blind spot on our parts? Probably. But I think there’s another culprit we’re ignoring here.

Weather events have the COOLEST names. And that coolness severely undercuts their danger.

Case in point: A bomb cyclone is headed for the Northeast this weekend, news that is currently being reported by … uh, everyone:

That’s so many results. But makes sense, right? It’s in the forecast and people want to know about it. So why, when I do the same thing for “nor’easter,” do I only get 54,600 results? You already know why:

Bomb cyclone sounds dope as Hell.

“Bomb Cyclone” is not what we should call a weather event. It’s a British hipster rock band. It’s the name of a new drug for people who think coke is too mild. It’s a move Guile can use in Street Fighter 6 if you go → → ← ← and press all your attack buttons at once. And nor’easter, while geographically accurate (which I do appreciate!) is lame. No one wants to call it that. Writers can’t wait to fire off an article about bomb cyclones simply so they can write the words themselves. You want anecdotal proof? I’m doing it right now.

A bomb cyclone is, as I’ve now Googled fifteen times and still barely remember, a storm that intensifies quickly because of a rapid drop in air pressure, giving it “explosive” strength. Hence: bomb and cyclone, together. But it’s worth noting that there are dozens of other weather events with names that are just as cool — if not cooler.

I’ll prove it with a little game. Here’s a list of 20 things. Your job is to determine if it’s either an extreme weather event or an ability from a Final Fantasy game. Answers will be provided at the end.

1. Fire Tornado
2. Lightning Sprite
3. Cloudy Heaven
4. King Tide
5. Dark Nebula
6. Emerald Light
7. Storm Surge
8. Tidal Flame
9. Earth’s Shadow
10. Gravity Ball
11. Megacryometeor
12. Nightglow
13. Blood Rain
14. Star Prism
15. Light Pillar
16. Haboob
17. Vacuum Wave
18. Bohemian Wind
19. Snow Roller
20. Naga Fireball

See what I mean? Even though some of these are real, they don’t sound out of place in Final Fantasy. The danger is too abstract. If we really want people to pay attention and get prepared, we should rename them something dangerous AND unpleasant. It’s easy to get caught up in asking “What is a bomb cyclone?” instead of “How do I prepare for a bomb cyclone?” It’d be way different if we called them “Eczema Cyclones.” You might not know what it means, but you’d definitely want to avoid it.

I propose we do the same for any and all cool names for adverse weather. Instead of super storms, call them air drowners. Forget avalanches — call that snow ice slurry. Lightning and thunder? More like skysores and noise pustules. Not only will no one want any part of these, they’ll probably start preparing for them a little more earnestly from now on.

Hunker down out there, everyone. It’s storm season and there’s some gross, terribly-named shit coming our way.

Answer Key
Weather Phenomena: 1, 2, 4, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, 16, 18, 19, 20
Final Fantasy Ability: 3, 5, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 17

All names sourced here, here, and here.