I’m So Sick of Politics During My Non-Political Super Bowl

Listen, people. I’m just gonna come right out and say it: Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl halftime show was a disgrace. An overwrought, politically-charged embarrassment. We all need a break from these hyperpolitical times, and football usually lets me do that for 60 glorious minutes. Well, after the singing of the national anthem. And the presentation of the colors by a small group of military veterans. And the singing of American the Beautiful. Oh, and the military flyover. I love watching the jets go “whooooom!” overhead in a stadium while fireworks go off. It’s my favorite part of football.

Football should be unifying, not divisive. All Bad Bunny did up there was embrace the radical leftist ideals of “love” and “joy” and “believing in yourself.” That’s woke pussy bullshit. Any real American knows “love” was invented by lonely women to guilt men into buying them flowers and acknowledging their existence up to five times a year. Isn’t that enough?

Besides, the whole thing was in Spanish. Umm, okay? This is U.S. of fucking America. What am I supposed to do, follow the narrative visually like some sort of effete Hollywood cuck? Am I expected to just go independently find a play-by-play from a Spanish speaker? That would take literal seconds of work. That’s time I could spend commenting “RIP Charlie Kirk” on GoFundMe’s for kids seeking gender-affirming care.

It’s also confusing because Puerto Rico isn’t even really part of America. It’s a U.S. territory, like Guam and the Moon. We should be encouraging real Americans to perform the halftime show, like Rihanna, The Weeknd, Shakira, Coldplay, Katy Perry, or The Who. Those were the good ol’ days. Where did we lose our way?

I’m so tired of the relentless politicization of sports. I just want to sit down, crack open a cold beer that isn’t Bud Light, and watch a MAHA ad in peace. Why is it so hard to understand that politics don’t belong in sports? I’m glad He Gets Us, because Roger Goodell clearly doesn’t.

This sort of shit would never fly in other sports like basketball or soccer. It’d certainly never happen at the Olympics. Hey, Goodell: I hope you’re taking notes. Being a great athlete or musician doesn’t give you carte blanche to say whatever outlandish thing you want without consequence. Who does Bad Bunny think he is, white?

I’m grateful there was some real, honest-to-goodness, all-American counter-programming in the form of that Kid Rock concert. Why aren’t guys like Kid Rock ever invited to perform at the Super Bowl? I’ll give you a hint: it starts with “r” and ends in “everse racism.”

Ultimately, the lasting image I’ll take from this whole debacle is the jumbotron message:

“The Only Thing More Powerful Than Hate is Love.” How trite. How schmaltzy. I’m so tired of wealthy elites like Bad Bunny playing the victim card. When Puerto Rico was recovering after Hurricane Maria, the president personally came down to help with recovery — and Benito still had the gall to make the whole thing about how badly his homeland is treated. I guess he thinks hosting a real wedding was “lovey” enough for him. Get real. Too bad the power grid in Santa Clara didn’t fail right before halftime.

Hopefully the NFL learns its lesson before next year. Enough politics: this is American football, Goddamnit. We need a true American with songs about how great it is to live here. You know what that means:

Somebody needs to call Bruce Springsteen.