It’s Opening Day! Let’s See Who Netflix Tapped for the Job

Happy MLB Opening Day, everyone! Spring has sprung, the grass is mowed, hope springs eternal, etc. etc. you know all that stuff. You probably also know that Netflix, of all places, is our home for tonight’s 2026 season opener between the Yankees and the Giants. That’s right, it’s not just for watching a quinquagenarian pretend to box a racist grifter.

This is such a big deal for Netflix that they pulled out allllllllllll the stops to make sure we get the star-studded production we deserve. Right, guys?

Home run king and Giants great Barry Bonds joins the analyst desk alongside former Yankees first baseman Anthony Rizzo, while Yankees Hall of Fame pitcher CC Sabathia and past Giants star Hunter Pence provide color commentary in the booth.

Boom! Those are some good gets. In fact, the former players Netflix tapped for tonight have a combined 397.2 bWAR. That’s the equivalent of having 67 Jarrod Saltalamacchias on your roster. Not that you WOULD, of course, but imagine if you COULD.

We got Matt Vasgersian on pxp, Elle Duncan and Lauren Shehadi as host and reporter, respectively … that’s a strong team. Should really make for — what’s that? We’re not done? Who else could possibly be left? Don’t tell me they found a way to get hologram Vin Scully!

……………. oh.

So in addition to all the baseball people Netflix has working on this baseball broadcast, we’re throwing these guys into the mix? (Side note: If I’m Lauren Shehadi, I’m pretty pissed about being on this list. I’d rather not even be mentioned.) I wonder if Bert Kreischer is gonna take off his shirt and do a bad Russian accent! That’d be so funny, if he did that!! I don’t think anyone has ever seen such a funny thing, but maybe he’ll find a way to surprise us all!!!

Look, guys, I get that growing the game is important and crossover appeal from the NFL and WWE seems like it might help. And I get that Kreischer has a show on Netflix right now. But really, what are they possibly going to contribute? This is just the latest example of a network gilding the lily for a marquee sporting event. Did we really need Snoop Dogg at the Olympics? Or Mr. Beast for Amazon’s NFL coverage? Of course not. It’s just a cheap stunt that some exec can point to as proof that they’re “in touch with the youth” and “thinking outside the box” and “definitely doesn’t deserve to be fired when AI-related setbacks start costing real people their jobs.”

Anyway, can’t wait until Netflix gets its hands on the NBA and gives us a studio panel of Ernie Johnson, Shaq, Jordan, Larry Bird, Dr. J, Candace Parker, Ice Cube, Michael Rapaport, Jimmy Fallon, Bindi Irwin, a dog that picks basketball games by booping a toy ball through tiny hoops, IBM’s Watson, and Jim Breuer.

Now let’s play ball!