Significantly More Valuable Corporate Trainings

Okay, everyone. Please raise your hand if you’ve ever had to take a workplace training. (Honor system, people — I can’t actually see you.) Great! Now keep your hands raised if you thought that training was a good use of your time.

Plot twist: I actually can see you all. Almost everyone’s hand went down.

Can’t say I’m surprised. Training is one of those areas that’s increasingly perfunctory, especially in the corporate world. The whole point isn’t to teach you anything new, it’s to make sure the company is legally safe from liability in case Derek in Logistics keeps insisting that “I wasn’t actually *saying* it, I was just singing along and that was one of the lyrics! This is censorship!”

Problem is, most workplace trainings are as subtle as a brick to the tits. This video from the EEOC features the most dysfunctional office imaginable:

Not sure how much you all watched, but the main guy in this video:

1. Encouraged his coworker to take a creepshot of a woman.
2. Either sent or received (I think the latter) an anti-Islam cartoon via email.
3. Had “Go Back to Africa” written on the window of his car (!).
4. Called a different guy using crutches “a cripple” and then laughed at him.

Mondays, am I right?! *bowtie spins*

These things are parodies of themselves. It’s fine to remind people that discrimination has no place in the workplace, but if you have to be told not to forward racist cartoons to people you probably aren’t long for office life anyway. Who are these things even for? I’m incredibly clear on how much fondling is appropriate or how much vodka I can drink before a meeting or whether or not I can paint penises on work property (none, none, and only when it’d be really funny, respectively).

But it got me wondering how much more extreme we could make things while still technically conveying a point. So I’ve written some segments of my own. Please enjoy these selections from the Official JSG Workplace Harassment Training Extravaganza.

SCENARIO 1

INT. OFFICE BUILDING — BREAKROOM

WE OPEN in the BREAKROOM where a BOTTLE OF WATER on the counter slowly comes into focus. It is immediately snatched up by CARTER (23), a very white Finance bro in a long-sleeved shirt and cutoff fleece vest. As he brings the bottle to his lips, we see STANIEL (25), African-American Finance bro, whose parents couldn’t decide on naming him Stan or Daniel, enter the room.

STANIEL: Hey bro, you good?

CARTER: Staniel the Maniel! I am hungover as fuck, dude.

STANIEL: Crazy night?

CARTER: Why don’t you ask your mom?

[They HIGH FIVE each other a little too hard, as though each is trying to prove a point about their masculinity/strength.]

CARTER: Nah, I went out to the Jade Labia with some of the Sales guys and we got shitfaced. Those guys can fuckin’ drink. And I haven’t done that much blow since I was at Penn.

STANIEL: I got something for you to blow right here, bitch.

[They HIGH FIVE again. As Carter takes a sip of his water, MEGAN (29), a professional-looking Marketing manager in a power suit, walks in and notices how rough he looks.]

MEGAN: Hey, Carter. Crazy night?

CARTER: Not as crazy as the night we’d have together. When are you gonna let me take you out? Show you how the Finance team gets down?

MEGAN: For the last time, Carter, I’m married. And we work together. And I’m not interested. And I’m reasonably sure you tried to sell my husband Molly at the holiday party last year.

CARTER: It seemed like he wanted to party! Don’t put that on me, baby.

MEGAN: Don’t call me baby.

CARTER: What about babe?

MEGAN: Basically the same thing!

CARTER: Hon? Dollface? Sugar?

STANIEL: What about Sweet Thing?

CARTER: [Points at STANIEL] What about Sweet Thing?

STANIEL: Boo? Bae? Little Mama?

CARTER: Hot tits?

MEGAN: What woman thinks “hot tits” is an acceptable pet name?!

STANIEL: My last girlfriend actually loved when I’d call her that. Especially when we were —

MEGAN: [Visibly irritated] That’s enough! Please don’t finish that sentence.

STANIEL: — Relax! I was gonna say ‘studying for her AP tests.’

MEGAN: Ew! How old is she?

CARTER: Oh, dude, look at Megan’s face right now! She looks just like that one meme.

[STANIEL frames her up with his hands]

STANIEL: Ha! She totally does!

CARTER: Take her picture! This is such a meme face.

MEGAN: What the Hell, don’t take my picture, you assholes!

STANIEL: Too late! I’m posting this shit to X.

[END SCENE]

CHECK YOUR LEARNING

What you just experienced was but one example of workplace harassment. A seemingly innocent trip to the breakroom resulted in an awkward and hostile situation. Let’s test your knowledge: Who was the most ‘in the wrong’ during that scenario?

1. CARTER: He was openly aggressive toward Megan in multiple ways, he openly admitted to drug use and to being hungover, and he insulted Staniel’s mother. Plus: It was a little rude he didn’t invite Staniel out to the strip club.
2. STANIEL: He encouraged Carter’s bad behavior, egging him on during his exchange with Megan. He also made a homophobic remark to Carter and essentially admitted to grooming a high school girl. Honestly, Staniel should be in politics.
3. BOTH CARTER AND STANIEL: Both men have made Megan’s life — and, reading between the lines a bit, the entire office — into a psychosexual hellscape, both directly and indirectly. It’s as though they think they’re in a real-life Wolf of Wall Street. Just the worst. Staniel continues to use X/Twitter, too, which of course he does. Those Finance bros are all aboard the Elon Musk Dickriding Train, and I just … I just cannot understand it.
4. MEGAN: She should’ve known better than to bring up the Molly thing at the holiday party, and she got a little too defensive about being called numerous pet names when she should’ve been flattered instead. Just kidding — Megan did nothing wrong. This is a test within the test.
5. THE SALES TEAM: First off, everyone knows the Jade Labia is a terrible strip club. It’s wildly overrated: the cover charge is $100, the drinks are overpriced, the bouncers watch you like hawks, and the DJ plays songs at 1.25x speed so the dancers can squeeze more private dances in each night. There’s also a rumor that the building isn’t even zoned for adult entertainment but the owner made a back-alley deal with the city and got them to turn a blind eye. Either way, the Sales team should’ve gone elsewhere.

The correct answer is, of course: Any of the above. This doesn’t even matter. All you need to do is get through the training, we’re not even going to grade this. That said, if you picked #4, we’re legally obligated to give your information to HR.

Let’s see what the next scenario is:

SCENARIO 2

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING — PARKING LOT

WE OPEN in an office parking lot near the end of the day. JAKUB (43), Austrian-American citizen of immigrant parents, is heading to his car after a long, demoralizing day in IT. We join him as he fumbles in his pocket for the key to his SENSIBLE TOYOTA CAMRY.

JAKUB: God there are a lot of Cybertrucks in the parking lot these days. I gotta start looking for a new job.

[As he approaches his CAMRY, he stops dead in his tracks. The camera looks over his shoulder and focuses on the back window, where we see a message written in big block letters]:

“GO BACK TO AFRICA”

JAKUB: What the Hell?

[JAKUB walks closer to inspect the damage. He vigorously rubs his index finger across the ‘A’ in Africa to see if the substance will come off. It does, although he decides he’ll remove the rest at home. He opens the driver-side door to finally head home but he’s suddenly interrupted when a soda cup is thrown near his feet. He looks up to see CARTER and STANIEL standing nearby.]

CARTER: Oh hey, Jak-off. Like what we did to your car?

STANIEL: [Pulling out his phone to film this for TikTok or something] Yeah, Jak-off. You CAN read, can’t you?

JAKUB: [Incredulous] YOU guys did this?

CARTER: Shit yeah we did, you Austrian fuck. Go back to Africa!

STANIEL: Go back to Africa!

JAKUB: Do … do you guys think Austria is in Africa?

CARTER: [Mimicking Australian accent] Aw, what’s the matter, mate? You ‘avin’ a right proper cunty cry, innit?

STANIEL: [Mimicking Canadian accent] Ya, you hoser! Probably a moose that did it, eh? Go tell the Mounties and see if they help you!

JAKUB: [Rubbing his temples in exasperation] Jesus. Those are two completely different … you guys know I’m from Akron, right?

CARTER: Oh what, is that, like, the capital of Africa?

JAKUB: What? No, Africa doesn’t have a capital, and — look, can either of you name even one other African country? Literally any?

STANIEL: Congolia?

CARTER: Babar?

JAKUB: Oh my FUCKING God. Staniel, aren’t your parents from Eritrea? How are you not offended by this?!

STANIEL: Why would I be offended? It wasn’t written on my car, so it’s not offensive to me. Dumbass.

JAKUB: I’m emailing HR.

CARTER: What the fuck, dude? It was just a prank!

STANIEL: It’s just a prank bro!

[END SCENE]

CHECK YOUR LEARNING

Once again, we see unwanted and inappropriate harassment rear its ugly head. Even though the parking lot isn’t technically “the office,” what happened to Jakub is a reminder that discrimination can happen anytime and anywhere. Let’s test your knowledge: Who was most ‘in the wrong’ in this scenario?

1. CARTER: It’s unclear who actually painted the words on Jakub’s car, but it’s clear he was involved. He called Jakub ‘Jak-off,’ which, while creative, is totally uncalled for. It also seems like he confused ‘Austria’ and ‘Australia’ for one another, which is just … it’s such a sad indictment of the American educational system. But you already know this isn’t the right answer.
2. STANIEL: It’s unclear who actually painted the words on Jakub’s car, but it’s clear he was involved. He also called Jakub ‘Jak-off,’ which, while creative, is totally uncalled for. It seems like he confused ‘Austria’ and ‘Canada’ for one another, somehow, which is even worse than Carter’s thing. It just doesn’t make sense. But you already know this isn’t the right answer.
3. BOTH CARTER AND STANIEL: The right answer. It’s the right answer. This, here, is the right answer. It’s not one of the first two, because that implies only one of those Finance douchebags is a problem. We all know they’re clearly both toxic, right? Right? Please, for the love of God, tell me you know that much. If you don’t, there’s no mandatory training that’s going to get it through to you. Just pick this and we can move on.
4. JAKUB: Why are you looking down here? Jakub didn’t do anything wrong. Actually, let’s rephrase that slightly: The only thing Jakub did wrong was to not immediately update his LinkedIn status to “Open to Work.” That guy got told to go back to a continent that his family isn’t from. He was the victim of inapplicable racism — the hardest kind to be a victim of. And that’s on top of fielding calls and IMs all day about how the ‘work firewall is making my computer run slow!’ despite the fact that A) There’s no work firewall and B) It wouldn’t make your computer run slower anyway. Oh, and C) It’s not like Jakub could just disable it for you, because all security settings are dictated by Corporate’s IT Security policies, which Jakub is aware of but unable to circumvent. He got a Masters in Computer Science for a thankless gig and $31 bucks an hour? Honestly, between what happened with his car and what happens to him just, like, day in and day out, I’m not sure which is worse. But clearly, this isn’t the right answer either.
5. LINGUISTS: Austria and Australia are too similar in name despite the fact that they derive from different languages and reflect different cardinal directions. Seems like one should have to change its English name, right? I vote Austria because all the cool European countries are doing it right now. Don’t get left behind, Austria!

The first two scenarios have been bad enough, but what happens when people in positions of power behave badly? Let’s look at our last and most complicated scenario:

SCENARIO 3

INT. OFFICE BUILDING — BOARDROOM

WE OPEN in the BOARDROOM where the EXECUTIVE TEAM has gathered for an emergency joint presentation from HR and Legal. In attendance are:

• MARK: 53, CEO; gray-haired white male; exactly like every other CEO
• JORGE: 51, COO; dark-haired Hispanic male; 100 percent ass-kisser toward Mark — it’s a real Ed Sullivan/Johnny Carson situation
• AIMEE: 44, VP of Sales/Marketing; blonde-haired white female; on the Autism spectrum, despite constant assumptions and stereotypes based on her skin and hair color
• ELIZABETH: 45, VP of Finance; dark-haired Chinese-American female; so eager to ensure the company’s financial health she’ll overlook virtually anything else
• SAM: 40, VP of HR; brown-haired half-Filipino/half-white female; here because all other members of the HR team keep quitting
• ROBERT: 38, Director of Legal; African American male; also here because all other members of the Legal team keep quitting

AS WE pan around the room, we see close-ups of everyone’s faces. They almost all wear stoic expressions that mask a deeper consternation, as they aren’t usually called together with this much urgency by both HR and Legal. At the head of the table, SAM and ROBERT stand poised to present a short PowerPoint.

SAM: Alright, let’s not waste time, we have a lot to cover today. Robert and I are here because we need to address our company culture.

MARK: What’s wrong with our culture?

JORGE: We have a great culture.

AIMEE: Just last night, our Sales and Finance teams went out for a wholesome team-building dinner!

ROBERT: That may be, but it doesn’t offset this.

[ROBERT drops a MASSIVE FOLDER full of printed paper, mostly containing email documentation of abuse, harassment, discrimination and inappropriate workplace conduct. It lands with a bass-y thud.]

ROBERT: These are all the complaints HR has received this year alone. It’s March.

SAM: Needless to say, this is a lot of paperwork and it exposes us to a lot of legal liability. I haven’t even had a chance to organize the company summer picnic yet.

MARK: Ooh, what’s the theme this year?

SAM: Legal vulnerability, unless we do something about these complaints.

JORGE: Terrible theme.

ROBERT: Can we focus, please? This is serious.

ELIZABETH: Oh come on, how serious could it be? Every workplace gets complaints and most of them are completely harmless.

SAM: Funny you should say that, Liz. A lot of these complaints are centered around a couple people from your department. You can probably guess who.

ELIZABETH: Richard and Thomas?

SAM: No.

ELIZABETH: Darian and Kris?

SAM: No.

ELIZABETH: Then it must be Rick and Alan.

SAM: Jesus, no! What’s going on in your department?

ELIZABETH: Saving the company’s EBITDA plan, that’s what.

ROBERT: We’re talking about Carter and Staniel.

ELIZABETH: Carter and Staniel! Two of my finest performers. You know they came within two-tenths of a percent on their revenue forecasts for the quarter?

ROBERT: Was that before or after this complaint that they targeted someone in IT with racially-charged graffiti?

AIMEE: Probably during.

MARK: Now, now. Let’s not be hasty. Those two are fine, upstanding young men with their whole futures ahead of them. Isn’t it possible we’re blowing this all out of proportion?

SAM: ‘Out of proportion?’ Those two have resulted in over half of these complaints!

MARK: Well it just so happens that Carter’s father and I went to Harvard together, so I know he’s a good kid. And as for Staniel, how’s it going to look if we fire one of our most colored employees? There’s your legal liability.

ROBERT: Sir, with all due respect, are you suggesting we make personnel decisions based solely on someone’s skin color?

MARK: And why not? It’s how most of you in this room got your jobs.

JORGE: Speaking as a proud Latino, I agree with you sir.

MARK: Thank you, Jorge. See? Let’s just tell those two to knock it off and call it a day.

AIMEE: Statistically speaking, that’s probably true.

SAM: But sir —

MARK: Now if that’s everything, I’ve got an important client meeting to get to, and parking at the Jade Labia gets terrible after 5 p.m.

CHECK YOUR LEARNING

Wow. What a tense and toxic atmosphere, am I right? Although this company and all these examples are fake, they’ve all been created based on real-world incidents that take place each and every day. Late-stage capitalism is a terrifying kaleidoscope of nightmares, and offices are the crucible in which it has been formed. When you look through it and into this last scenario, whose behavior is the most nightmarish?

1. MARK: Clearly the right answer, because there’s no ‘everyone’ option coming. You probably could have guessed that from the outset based solely on his position as CEO. They are, almost universally, sociopaths and narcissists. You know how in the song “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” they say all kinds of mean shit about the Grinch and what an ugly person he is? That’s what CEOs are like in real life. There is plenty of garlic in Mark’s soul, especially as he sits there and casually dismisses serious complaints while belittling the people who brought them forward. What a scumbag.
2. JORGE: Not the most right answer, but his constant validation of Mark isn’t fooling anyone. And frankly, it’s desperate. Jorge is a smart guy and he didn’t rise to COO on accident. He’s better than this.
3. ELIZABETH: Also not the most right answer, although it’s clear her team is a massive, massive problem. But does she care? It doesn’t seem like it. She seems perfectly content as long as the company’s bottom line is healthy. Until it isn’t, she’ll overlook virtually anything. Not a good look.
4. AIMEE: Nah, man. Aimee may be naïve, but she’s not problematic.
5. SAM AND ROBERT: Hello, C-Level executives! Not surprised to see you looking down here. Let me guess: You think these two are the problem because ‘if not for them, we wouldn’t even be talking about this stuff.’ Right? Are we right? We are, aren’t we? Look, if you were anyone else at this company, even scrolling down to this answer would get you monitored by HR. But since you’re soooo important, just click whatever you want and then click “Finish” and you’ll have completed this training.
   
   Fucking rich people. What? No, I’m leaving that in. They aren’t gonna read it — they stopped paying attention after I mentioned how to finish the training. I can say whatever I want down here. Everyone, go read ‘Das Kapital’ and a couple books about the French Revolution. Never forget that the proletariat hold the real power, not the capital owners — it’s your labor that they’re getting rich from. Vote for the 32-day work week! Fight the power!
6. THE EEOC: What a bunch of narcs, am I right?